At any particular moment, I could say I’m in either an “Up Mood” or a “Down Mood”. I need to stop wasting my “Up Moods”. It’s not useful (in this case) for me to try to figure out “the why”. I should, instead, be having fun during my “Up Moods”.
I followed a Facebook link to a web article tonight. This totally stood out to me:
Thinking “too much” about things would become a character flaw.
What people who know me need to understand is that when I hear the well-intended thought that I’m over-thinking, that’s how it comes across to me.
Something that’s so clear to me sometimes seems like pure fantasy at other times, and I think that right now I understand. Because of that, I think it’s critical that I write this now. For me, words are so powerful, that things that I’m feeling are simply not real unless I can explain them with words.
For anyone who didn’t catch the reference I made in the subject line for my previous post here (stolen from Kevin Smith), I don’t think I’ll be “chasing Amy” any more. In truth, I stopped doing that even before she left, but it’s comforting to finally (I think) understand the “disconnect”.
One of the basic contradictions I’ve been trying to figure out is the difference between how I saw Amy and how some of my friends saw her. I’m not able to fully understand something unless I have words for it. This morning, I think I finally figured it out. Hang on, because this one is definitely going to be a bumpy ride. 😉
If you read my previous post here, you might be waiting on the “big reveal” that I strongly alluded to. I’m sorry, but I’ve decided it’s not going to happen. Drop me an email if you’re curious, and if I know you, I’ll almost certainly share what I was talking about. The info isn’t exactly a secret, anyway, and I think anybody can find it if they dig enough. However, I’ve decided that putting up multiple signs (bearing my name) pointing to it isn’t the best idea. I don’t know of any specific reasons to be worried, but there’s no need to “tempt fate” (especially given how many places I syndicate this web log). 🙂
At any rate, my self-confidence is now working well enough (and regularly enough) that I’m realizing more often that my choices are just that: mine. As I told a friend recently, I need to start owning my choices (instead of depending on the validation of others… though, it’s fun to see it when it happens *grin*).
I’ll go ahead and warn you now that there’s info that I start to reveal about myself in this post that people who have known me for years don’t know.
I’m having a moment of calm and clarity tonight, and I wanted to share it. Unlike what one of my friends seems to have believed of my previous behavior (and admired me for it), it’s not that I don’t care what others think about me. Far from it, actually. I think that some of the thoughts I’ve shared have made it pretty clear that I actually care a lot what people think about me. Times like right now, though, make it clearer to me that I’m simply very careful about who I allow close to me. With one very notable exception, my judgment on such matters is usually quite good. 😉
A friend tweeted a link to something, and one of the items felt like it would be applicable to my situation if it was modified. Unfortunately, just sharing the modified item by itself would almost certainly make people feel guilty and would also appear ungrateful toward the many people who have helped me.
You know, it really shouldn’t be any surprise to me that DragonCon TechOps appears to be about the best shot for me to get back somewhere close to where I was. As I sit here tonight, I once again find myself thinking about how proud I am that I (and “my” room staff) were pretty early in the path for a number of staffers who have gone on to have fairly important positions. What brought it to mind for me tonight was noticing that one of those people from my “legacy” is now listed as having the night-time equivalent of my pre-wreck job: day-time lead for one of the truly large hotel ballrooms that we manage.
The other thing that this helps get through my thick skull is that one of the best ways to truly start feeling better about myself as a person is to be able to point to someone else who started out working for me (after the wreck) and be able to nod and say, “Look at what I helped do.” Building a legacy I can be proud of… I really think that’s how I’m most likely to “get my groove back.” 🙂