Brief moments

I’m having a moment of calm and clarity tonight, and I wanted to share it. Unlike what one of my friends seems to have believed of my previous behavior (and admired me for it), it’s not that I don’t care what others think about me. Far from it, actually. I think that some of the thoughts I’ve shared have made it pretty clear that I actually care a lot what people think about me. Times like right now, though, make it clearer to me that I’m simply very careful about who I allow close to me. With one very notable exception, my judgment on such matters is usually quite good. 😉

I’ve written about this before. I pointed to the “standard wisdom” that says that, ideally, people should look only inward for feelings of self-worth. As a matter of fact, I’d wager that’s probably the opinion of that other friend I mentioned near the beginning of the last paragraph. Especially for someone like me, though, there’s just something very lonely about that thought. I think it’s more (for me, anyway) about knowing with confidence what one’s own strengths are and using that knowledge to “filter” input from other people. It’s not a total filter. That’s important, because goodness knows I’m far from perfect, so I still have to pay attention to negative feelings from other people, especially those that I have learned to deeply trust.

That’s one of the reasons the last few years have been (and current time continues to be) so tough on me. I believe that I’m going to make it through all this, and I truly believe that I’m going to make it with fewer changes/adjustments than people seem to believe. I also truly believe that this “new person” concept that seems to be so popular to use with TBI sufferers… I won’t say it’s completely not applicable to me, but I will say that it’s not the right way for me to approach things. My pre-wreck life was much too good for me simply to throw away any attempt of trying to get back to it. Finally, I have a faith that I’m capable of getting back to at least something close. People can call it “spiritual” if they want to. This faith hasn’t come along with any of the signs that spiritual people who have experienced these kinds of things often point to. My agnostic nature won’t allow me to completely deny the involvement of some supernatural being, but I also haven’t experienced anything that points to my progress being due to anything other than the help of other people, plain determination (both mine and others’), and time.

I think that something many people were looking for was for my feelings to become so strong that I “couldn’t control” them. That entire concept of emotions being so strong that I can’t control them is something that has literally never happened to me. That’s not because of anyone else. I also believe, however, that it’s not a matter of me “holding back”. I think I simply fundamentally believe that nothing is beyond eventual explanation.

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