I made a post in my previous web log over 15 years ago, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. The post took even longer than usual to settle on the point. So, I’ve decided to copy just the relevant part into this post.
I followed a Facebook link to a web article tonight. This totally stood out to me:
Thinking “too much” about things would become a character flaw.
What people who know me need to understand is that when I hear the well-intended thought that I’m over-thinking, that’s how it comes across to me.
One of the basic contradictions I’ve been trying to figure out is the difference between how I saw Amy and how some of my friends saw her. As is always the case for me, though, I’m not able to fully understand something unless I have words for it. This morning, I think I finally figured it out. Hang on, because this one is definitely going to be a bumpy ride. 😉
I was chatting with a friend online today, and she said something that just felt right. She agreed to let me quote it, so here you go:
I’ve come to the conclusion that the point of being alive (for me, at least) is to be known and know other people as deeply and real-ly as possible.
I had another realization before I got up this morning, and I want to share it.
As a total aside, I didn’t realize until today how much agreement I have with Penn Jillette. I really need to listen to and read more of what he’s said publicly about atheism. He has a talent for explaining things in a way that’s simultaneously easy-to-understand, compelling, and non-judgmental.
If you read my previous post here, you might be waiting on the “big reveal” that I strongly alluded to. I’m sorry, but I’ve decided it’s not going to happen. Drop me an email if you’re curious, and if I know you, I’ll almost certainly share what I was talking about. The info isn’t exactly a secret, anyway, and I think anybody can find it if they dig enough. However, I’ve decided that putting up multiple signs (bearing my name) pointing to it isn’t the best idea. I don’t know of any specific reasons to be worried, but there’s no need to “tempt fate” (especially given how many places I syndicate this web log). 🙂
At any rate, my self-confidence is now working well enough (and regularly enough) that I’m realizing more often that my choices are just that: mine. As I told a friend recently, I need to start owning my choices (instead of depending on the validation of others… though, it’s fun to see it when it happens *grin*).
I’ll go ahead and warn you now that there’s info that I start to reveal about myself in this post that people who have known me for years don’t know.
I’m having a moment of calm and clarity tonight, and I wanted to share it. Unlike what one of my friends seems to have believed of my previous behavior (and admired me for it), it’s not that I don’t care what others think about me. Far from it, actually. I think that some of the thoughts I’ve shared have made it pretty clear that I actually care a lot what people think about me. Times like right now, though, make it clearer to me that I’m simply very careful about who I allow close to me. With one very notable exception, my judgment on such matters is usually quite good. 😉
A friend tweeted a link to something, and one of the items felt like it would be applicable to my situation if it was modified. Unfortunately, just sharing the modified item by itself would almost certainly make people feel guilty and would also appear ungrateful toward the many people who have helped me.