Monthly Archives: June 2015

Brief moments

I’m having a moment of calm and clarity tonight, and I wanted to share it. Unlike what one of my friends seems to have believed of my previous behavior (and admired me for it), it’s not that I don’t care what others think about me. Far from it, actually. I think that some of the thoughts I’ve shared have made it pretty clear that I actually care a lot what people think about me. Times like right now, though, make it clearer to me that I’m simply very careful about who I allow close to me. With one very notable exception, my judgment on such matters is usually quite good. ;)

I’ve written about this before. I pointed to the “standard wisdom” that says that, ideally, people should look only inward for feelings of self-worth. As a matter of fact, I’d wager that’s probably the opinion of that other friend I mentioned near the beginning of the last paragraph. Especially for someone like me, though, there’s just something very lonely about that thought. I think it’s more (for me, anyway) about knowing with confidence what one’s own strengths are and using that knowledge to “filter” input from other people. It’s not a total filter. That’s important, because goodness knows I’m far from perfect, so I still have to pay attention to negative feelings from other people, especially those that I have learned to deeply trust.

That’s one of the reasons the last few years have been (and current time continues to be) so tough on me. I believe that I’m going to make it through all this, and I truly believe that I’m going to make it with fewer changes/adjustments than people seem to believe. I also truly believe that this “new person” concept that seems to be so popular to use with TBI sufferers… I won’t say it’s completely not applicable to me, but I will say that it’s not the right way for me to approach things. My pre-wreck life was much too good for me simply to throw away any attempt of trying to get back to it. Finally, I have a faith that I’m capable of getting back to at least something close. People can call it “spiritual” if they want to. This faith hasn’t come along with any of the signs that spiritual people who have experienced these kinds of things often point to. My agnostic nature won’t allow me to completely deny the involvement of some supernatural being, but I also haven’t experienced anything that points to my progress being due to anything other than the help of other people, plain determination (both mine and others’), and time.

I think that something many people were looking for was for my feelings to become so strong that I “couldn’t control” them. That entire concept of emotions being so strong that I can’t control them is something that has literally never happened to me. That’s not because of anyone else. I also believe, however, that it’s not a matter of me “holding back”. I think I simply fundamentally believe that nothing is beyond eventual explanation.

Too long for a tweet

A friend tweeted a link to something, and one of the items felt like it would be applicable to my situation if it was modified. Unfortunately, just sharing the modified item by itself would almost certainly make people feel guilty and would also appear ungrateful toward the many people who have helped me.

I think it makes more sense to share it using a medium where I can include all the extra explanation I feel I have to.

Before I include the actual item, I want to write that I’ve had almost no one actually express this to me. It’s more like what I assume has to be going through their minds. I’ve been told multiple times that I’m “over-thinking” things. I’m sure that’s  happening, but I don’t feel like I have any choice.

I know it must seem like I’m being stubborn… that I’m simply choosing not to speak to people. That’s completely not true, though. Speaking to people just doesn’t work for me right now.

I’m convinced now that the problem is with real-time interaction much more than with my speech. It’s like there’s a copy of me that’s constantly asking me things like, “What are you going to say next, huh?”, “Don’t you know all the things he could be doing in those huge time gaps you leave?”, and “You realize you used to be quite good at this, right?” Except, take that and multiply it by roughly 1,000. In effect, I can’t think of things to say/write, because I’m so busy being mad at myself for doing such a bad job thinking of things to say/write. ;) As I’ve written many times before, “Chicken, meet egg. You two are going to be great friends.”

My original point? Oh yeah. :) It was to write the modified version of that quote. Here’s “my version”:

  • I can’t help it. I can’t always just “be happy.”

For a person (like me) who has always depended upon his ability to break things down into words that anyone in his “audience” can understand, this has been quite frustrating. If I simply slow down and pre-prepare something, it works much better. I think I give the impression that my wreck has affected my intellect much more deeply than it actually has.

edited Saturday, June 13, 2015 @ about 9:25 AM 

When I went back and read that last paragraph again this morning, it didn’t make any sense, so I modified it so it expressed what I originally intended. That’s another thing I’m dealing with: I used to be religious about proofreading things before I made them available for other people to see. I think a big part of what has changed is that I’m so much slower now, that I feel pressure to “show results” without being nearly so careful. That’s a big thing that I think has made me appear “less than I am”.